Feel stuck in life as you get older? It might be your ego, says Tan Kheng Hua
Tan Kheng Hua – the actress who stole a scene in Crazy Rich Asians from Michelle Yeoh with only a wordless stare that would shrink the largest of testicles – was sitting on my sofa, looking fabulous in her T-shirt and jeans, snacking on murukku. And it occurred to me, quite simply: I want what she'southward having.
Not the murukku, mind yous (I had some other tub squirrelled abroad for eating my emotions), only the way she'due south growing older… and feeling happy near it.
"At 40, in terms of my career, I felt jaded, old… I remember, I just felt like, oh gosh, I really needed to change," said Kheng, in an unfiltered chat for our CNA Lifestyle podcast serial Firm Political party For 2. "I just felt… stuck."
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It's a sentiment many of us who are no longer in our 20s (or 30s) can chronicle to. Information technology'southward a growing realisation that you lot're so far from where you wanted to find yourself; that perchance you're starting to simply "exist" instead of "live" similar y'all once did when your joints didn't ache as much.
This, notwithstanding, is Kheng at historic period 57: "I merely take never felt more free, more independent, more at peace, more myself. I feel myself finally on a path where I call up this is really how I want to grow old and eventually die," she said. "I feel so much lighter."
I first met Kheng back in 1997. She was already a respected name in theatre, had recently come up off starring in Singapore's first English-language drama series Masters Of The Body of water, and had but started what would be xi years on the sitcom Phua Chu Kang. I was acting in my very starting time play, and Kheng was very kind to me when other theatre folk were less than warm. At the reception, she marched right up to me where I was stationed at the buffet tabular array (my history of emotional eating goes back a long way) and told me straight up that I had done a practiced job. Her encouragement meant a great deal to xix-year-one-time me.
It was also a wonderful counterbalance to my mother telling me she would never lookout man another theatre bear witness e'er, at present that she'd been psychologically scarred from watching her teenage son play a gay, drug-befuddled, stripper / porn star with mommy issues who wears a sequined thong and dies of an overdose. I told her it was art. Mum said it was a skilful thing she didn't bring grandma.
I remember there is a big divergence betwixt 'how exercise I want to live?' and 'how do I want to die?'
I'd crash-land into Kheng over the years and nosotros've stayed friendly. Only the woman on my burrow had a different energy than what I recall. She actually did feel lighter. Even every bit we talked about dying.
"I think in that location is a big difference betwixt 'how do I desire to alive?' and 'how exercise I want to die?'" said Kheng. "Nearly 10 years ago, I was going through some pretty difficult times in my life… And that was actually when I came about this concept that has helped me a lot then and at present: Rather than thinking well-nigh how I want to live, I started thinking about how I want to die – and and so work backwards from that."
It might audio nighttime, but the woman's got a point.
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"The first thing I did was really visualise who were the people I wanted around me when I die. And, immediately, y'all will and then answer all your questions most who are the of import people in your life today – the people who you should really consider deeper and in a more profound way," she said.
"And then, suddenly, your earth becomes very clear. Because from possibly 30 people or 300 things that you recall you need today considering this is how you want to alive, information technology is whittled downward to a very comfortable bed and possibly about 3 people… It just gives you some perspective."
Kheng has been doing a lot of thinking – or practising a "review on life", equally she calls information technology – since she upped and moved to Hollywood to explore new terrain. She'south been working, having scored roles on Grey's Anatomy and Netflix'southward Medical Police, likewise a series regular spot in the Kung Fu reboot pilot from Usa Boob tube network The CW. But she hasn't been on her own like this since her university days, said Kheng. And that'due south forcing her to "man up" and "only sort it out".
Hither's what she's learnt from those "review on life" sessions.
If y'all want to feel excited about what you do, y'all need to surround yourself with like-minded people, to be "immersed in talent". It'due south the vibe you're looking for. "Once you find the right people that you lot vibe with, you only suddenly feel similar waking upwardly, and working hard, and doing something. And the day but suddenly becomes enjoyable."
Next, it's about tackling your ego. "Honestly, ego is the enemy," said Kheng. "Don't get me incorrect – for anyone who wants to be good at what they do, ego is necessary. But ego is withal the enemy in that information technology can make your life centred around something which may not necessarily propel you towards where you really desire to go."
Maybe it'southward of import to be curious rather than to be defensive and keep going for something that you may be past your use-by-date for, you know?
For example, offered Kheng, if her ego had made her turn down jobs only because they weren't big roles, she would have missed out on Crazy Rich Asians, the U.k. miniseries Chimerica and HBO Asia'south The Garden Of Evening Mists.
"In the last v years, I've played more than supporting characters than I've played lead. In fact, perchance, in my entire career, I accept played more than supporting characters than I accept leads. I want as much recognition equally everyone else, okay? I won't lie about that" she said. "Simply these projects were great to be on. My daily life had a quality. My daily acting life had a quality that I loved and that I desire every single day of my life."
"So the ego can be your friend and it'due south very, very necessary," said Kheng, "and the ego tin can exist the enemy – and it is up to yous and your character to discern which ego you desire."
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And that brings us to accepting the ugly truth. "Perchance information technology's important to be curious rather than to be defensive and keep going for something that you lot may exist by your use-by-date for, you know?" she said. "Because when yous attempt also hard in anything – whether information technology's way or losing weight or acting – it never looks good. And it doesn't feel good."
"A real curiosity brings near a sense of humility. And those qualities bring about a sense of peace."
It'southward important to grow old gracefully, said Kheng, just every bit long equally yous play by your own rules. "'Svelte' is not just Audrey Hepburn, you know? It'south not only Grace Kelly. 'Graceful' is about some sort of truth and honesty. And if honesty to y'all is cussing every sentence that comes out of your oral fissure, then you lot know what? Get for it."
Now that is advice I can become for. Sad, mum.
Listen to the total House Party For 2 podcast to detect out how Kheng auditions against thousands of actors per role, and what she makes of people thinking Crazy Rich Asians wasn't "Singaporean plenty".
New episodes of House Party For 2 are published every Sunday at cna.asia/podcasts. This podcast was recorded in mid-Dec, 2019. Both House Political party For 2 host and invitee are now hibernating safely in their respective homes.
Source: https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/entertainment/tan-kheng-hua-house-party-for-2-podcast-253926
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